My Mother Passed Away Today
81Loss
My mother died today. I didn’t know I could instantly feel a sense of loss so profound and intense. Everything I ever did that could have possibly caused her to feel disappointed or unhappy with me suddenly came welling up inside me. The dam burst and all I could do was let the flood happen. I realize this is a part of life and that it happens to other people and will happen to almost everyone at some point but that doesn’t really make me feel any better. It reminds me of the novel Catch 22 when Yossarian says, and I am paraphrasing here, that he does not want to go up in his fighter plane because the enemy is shooting at him and trying to kill him. His commanding officer responds and tells him they shoot at everyone. Yossarian protests by saying yes but that when he is up in the plane they are “shooting AT ME and trying to kill ME”. In other words when it is happening to you it is always very different.
I knew that it was coming and would happen sooner rather
than later but that doesn’t change anything about the incredible sadness and sorrow I feel. I honestly had no idea it would be this painful. My mother
may not have been perfect but she was mine and she was one of the only people
in the world that I knew accepted me unconditionally. I don’t know if there is
anything more valuable than that. When her mother died, my grandmother, I had a
similar feeling of loss because she also accepted me unconditionally. I have not
always been sure what I believe about the afterlife but that is no longer
important because I now simply need to believe my mother is still with me in
some way. I have no choice but to believe because right now the alternative is
unthinkable. I need to know my mom is still out there somewhere loving me the way she always has.
I know that this will not cripple me and that life will go on but for a while I also realize that this sudden and profound sense of loss will wash over me again and again the way it has for so many others who have lost someone close to them. In a world where so many people focus on money and material things I feel so blessed to have had a mother who could have cared less about a lot of those things. She just did her best and I always knew she loved me. I don’t know if I always appreciated this as much as I should have but over the last couple of decades or so I have realized how great my parents really have been. I know I am blessed so I will do my best not to wallow for too long. I will try to accept all of this gracefully and maybe even find peace in something that feels like an evisceration.
It is abundantly clear to me that dealing with death is a necessary ingredient in life. I have always known it. I realize that I cannot feel joy and happiness if I
never know sorrow and pain. I would rather be alive than numb so I will have to
welcome and embrace this as I have welcomed all of the other positive experiences in
my life. I will try to celebrate how lucky I have been to know that I was truly
loved and that I had most of a lifetime to get to know and appreciate my mom. I
didn’t know if I would publish this but I decided that it might be therapeutic. I needed to do something.
No one can really tell us how to feel or how to deal with death but without it
I guess we would never know what a blessing life is. I am glad I spoke with my
mother a few days ago. She seemed to be in good spirits and happy to hear from
me. I guess now I can save on the phone calls and talk to her directly. I guess
we can all use a guardian angel to watch over us. I love you mom.
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I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom when I was 23 and pregnant with my first child. I have felt her presence near me ever since. Up and beautiful.
This brought tears to my eyes TPSicotte. You have written this tribute so well and it may help others. I'm glad you decided to publish it. We all need to talk about our feelings. It is therapeutic. I'm sure your mom is looking down on you and smiling.
So sorry to hear about your loss Trent. Hope you are doing okay.
Very touching tribute. I lost my mother, too. Sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry to hear of your loss.
As time goes on you will notice the little things that you do are pieces of your mother coming out. Some of the things you say will be an echo of your mothers words. At the moment after you say them, she will pop into your head. The best way for our loved ones to live on is through our memories. You are doing what you can to help her live on.
My best to you and your family during these difficult times.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is beautiful tribute to your mom.
Linda.
I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. This was a beautiful piece with such raw emotion. Being vulnerable to allow others to read your piece is truly inspiring.
My mom passed away last summer and I'm still grieving. I have good days and some not so good.
Take your time to heal and keep writing, it will help.
Yes, your mom is still with you. My sister, Julie, was 35 when she passed away 6 years ago and I care for her son who is 13. I felt her presence with me and I even went to a medium, which is a controversial subject, I know, and it's out of character for me, but I did and she is here watching over her son, for the short story. Just like your mom is watching over you now. I'm very sorry for your loss.
Mom is smiling down upon you and I am sure shes just as proud of you now as she always has been. She had told me for a few years that she was ready to go home. She also said that she was looking forward to it. The day she passed both Dad and I were there to see her, she was smiling and happy but said she has a bad night and that the attacks she was having were causing her not to sleep. I am sure that she did not suffer, I am sure that she went the way she wanted and in that you can feel at peace, I do. I am happy for mom, I know she is with the Angels and probably bribing them for some Harlequin books to read :) When Andria passed I knew it was gonna be extremely hard to go on but know as almost 2 years have passed that it does get easier....day by day. Love from your sis
You don't have to publish this, I just wanted to write you and thankyou for the beautiful words here and to let you know that we love you and are thinking about you.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. I admire the fact you were able to function so well, you were writing. I wish I had had that type strength to move forward, instead my life came to a halt and then I soon fell apart. I am better now but it took years before I came to grips with it. My parents passed away 17 days apart in'94 They took a big part of me with them. Now there birthdays come and go and I do not cry, mother's and father's day pass and I can get out of bed now. All the best to you my friend
Whatever my theiving community so dictates!
Hello, TPS.. I am sorry not to have been there for you sooner.. I have been remiss in a lot of my communications to friends and family for most of my life. It only haunts you when you are too late to be heard. I am so glad you spoke with your mom a few days earlier. My sister and I jumped in the car and headed for Florida 20 years ago when we knew mom wouldnt let go until we were all together and the last months had been so hard on her.
We arrived 10 minutes too late.. she probably wouldnt have known us, but that made the loss harder.. and somewhat ironic.
Always best to share your feelings.. so you can say all those things that matter to a relationship. Your mother knew you loved her, but she loves hearing it and knowing you shared this with others.
I know I havent allowed the full extent of my sense of loss because Im pretty sure I couldnt bear the weight of it. I let a little bit out each time I share this story and say goodnight each night.
Thank you for sharing.. and for allowing me to share as well!
God bless, TPS..
I lost my mum at the weekend (18 March 2012) - I found her lying dead on Mother's Day. I have recognised all the feelings that you felt (presumably it happened 11 months ago?) - the unbelievable feelings of grief, guilt, shame for all the things where I wasn't the perfect daughter all the time, yet I knew she accepted me as I was, and never stopped loving me. I hope that your raw grief has eased a little and that you can remember your mum with a smile and not sadness.
My mom is dying now. I can't stop crying. I am 65 years old and you think by this time we would be more mature. How can someone face their own death? How can one accept it and say goodbye to everyone and everything.? How can she leave us?I feel life will never be the same again for us and I will not care about anything anymore. How does one laugh again? I know people do, but how? Why does this have to happen? I could accept my own death easier.
I enjoy reading everyones comments on their Moms, we all have similar feelings I believe. My Mom passed away last week, she was 94 yrs..and 6 mos., a long life for sure, and people say, well, she lived a long time and that kind of stuff, and I find myself sad, andthen not sad, and I cry over a song, or I reflect on her in different things. I guess a Mom is never supposed to leave us, and when they do, there is such a finality to it, such a sense of not being able to call her, or visit her again. My Mom and I were not that close, but she loved me, and I loved her too. The last time i saw her when she was
stting in her chair and could talk and laugh, I said to her " I miss you Mom" and she said to me "oh, no you don't", and it hurt a little, so i said " Mom, when I say I miss you I mean that, okay". Then she said "okay". i will remember this with her, and remember we shared a Red Velvet Cupcake, and even though she is not supposed to
eat sweets much (diagnosed a diabetic 2 yrs. ago at 92-go figure) and my sister who lives with her always warned me not to bring sweets, but that last day, she smiled and she loved that cupcake, and she wanted more. Oh Mom, I will miss you! I will miss
sharing a sweet with you. I will miss knowing you are here on this earth loving me with all my flaws. I hope you are happy though Mom, no more getting older and all
of the indigities of that, right? You are free now, and are with our Lord and Savior in Heaven. You were a great Mom to all of us, and a great wife to Dad, and a great Grandma to your Grandkids and Great Grandkids, and even had a Great Great little one. What a life Mom! You will now go down in history as my Mom, and with my kids and their kids, Grandma I. We shall miss you Mom, and I will think of you every day
and there will be a smile for all the things you did for all of us, and for all the memories, hopefully only the good ones, not the ones that made you mad, not the ones where I disappointed you or Dad. Looking back Mom, where has the time gone?
I too am in the twilight of my life, and can;t wait to see you again someday, it has already been too long without you. Love you Forever My Mommy..
Fiddleman Level 5 Commenter 13 months ago
Nice tribute to your mom